(copyright 1998 Ken Norton)
Vert and Toky were a bundle of nerves. The contest to see who would
remain a 2x teleconverter and who would undergo the frontal lobotomy was
to proceed despite cries of protests from the camera bag.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT" cried the announcer.
"In this corner, wearing blue trunks, is Vert, the Vivitar
teleconverter. In the other corner, wearing yellow trunks is Toky the
Tokina teleconverter. Tonight's event is a multipart contest to see who
gets to stay intact as a teleconverter. The loser must have his
elements removed to become an auto-extension tube. CONTESTANTS, ARE YOU
READY?"
Thus began the evening. Cheers and boos eminated from the grandstands
as Vert and Toky warmed up and talked with their coaches. The first
event was a strength event.
"First up is Toky. Toky, mount yourself to this 200/2.8 and OM-1. Now,
you got a good grip? Great. OK, Killer, come here and shake them up a
bit." The metal mounts of the Tokina and heavy duty construction kept
the lens and OM-1 perfectly alligned and didn't flex at all. Toky
returned to his corner sweaty but confident.
The crowds cheered his success and then cheered even louder as Vert
stood up to take his turn at the flex test. "What's this, Vert. You
having a problem?" Vert's plasticy mount didn't want to align itself
with the camera body correctly and caused a minor delay while he
attempted to attach properly. Jeers erupted from the stands as the
crowd was disappointed with this botched mounting. Finally, Vert stood
up ready for Killer to come and shake them around a bit. The plastic
construction of Vert was no match to this test. The 200/2.8 lens flexed
all over and even a gap developed in the teleconverter/lens mount.
"TWEEEEEET" went the whistle and the referees jumped in and stopped the
test. The flexing so frightened the judges that they were afraid that
somebody was going to get hurt.
Poor Vert wobbled back to his corner to rest. He knew that he wasn't
strong, but he wasn't expecting such a humiliating loss. Toky stood up
and the cheering rose to a new cresendo.
"Shame, shame, Vert. Maybe you can do better at the next event. Let's
see who can make their way through this obsticle course." Vert and Toky
line up and wait for the starter gun to fire. "BANG!" They were off.
The first obsticle was the tires in which Toky managed to get through
first with very fancy footwork, but Vert caught back up once they got to
the wall. Going through the culvert, Vert took the lead as Toky's
larger size kept getting him stuck. The last obsticle was a walk across
lily pads. Vert's light weight kept him out of the water but Toky sunk
right away. Crossing the finish line first, Vert was clearly the winner
of the size/weight event by a huge margin. Drying off, Toky conceeded
that he really was quite heavy. "...but, I am stronger..." he kept
muttering as they returned to their corners.
"Next event is to see who is sharper. The one with a sharper image will
be the winner of this event." So Vert and Toky mount themselves up to a
100/2.8 and proceed to see who can resolve the best image. As they chop
their way through a pile of lumber, Vert pulls ahead when cutting the
middle of the pile but falls behind Toky when working on the edges.
Must be the longer length of the extension tube that results in less
distortion, muses the audience. This contest ends in a draw as neither
contestent is clearly a winner.
Vert and Toky next head over to a table where they must draw a picture
with a selection of Crayons. Whoever has the best "color" wins this
event. Toky is upset since he is too embarrased to play with
"children's toys", but Vert goes at his picture with gusto. Five
minutes later the whistle blows and the judges closely examine the
results. Again, the contest is close, but Vert edges out Toky with a
slightly warmer image.
The next event was a gymnastic event known as "The Rings." Which
teleconverter would fit into the tripod mount that was removed from the
dead 400/5.6 lens? Vert tried and tried to slip into the ring to no
avail. No matter how much huffing and puffing little Vert did didn't
matter as the "suit" just didn't fit. Toky, nervously attempted the
same test and just barely slipped the ring on. The tightening screw dug
deep into the rubber skin of Toky, but the grip was strong and solid.
Waiting for the results of the contest, Vert went back into the dressing
room for a minute to cry. He was suffering a tremendous setback and
knew that the end was near. No way could he compete with Toky.
Granted, Vert was probably a slightly better lens, but Toky could do
anything. Vert's old buddy, Lenny Lenscap came down to comfort him but
also knew that Vert's chances were pretty slim.
Toky was watching the judges tally the scores. He was nervous, but he
didn't show it.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!" cried the announcer. Toky
and Vert assembled in the center of the Arena waiting the results. "The
winner is...."
Just then the earth shook as what appeared to be an earthquake hit the
arena. Judges, contestants, and spectators all dove for cover as lights
exploded and fell to the ground. "IT'S GODZILLA!!!" a yell came from
the movie-going crowd, "NO, IT'S AN ASTEROID!!!" said others, "YOU ARE
ALL WRONG, IT'S THE OWNER!!!!!!!" "Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!" they cried as
everybody tried escaping the collapsing building.
A firm hand grabbed Vert and Toky as the voice said "you two are coming
with me--NOW!"
Meanwhile, deep in the shadows, a stranger was watching and putting
together a plan...
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