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[OM] FW: America's Response to the UK

Subject: [OM] FW: America's Response to the UK
From: "Edward Heler, Ph.D." <eheler@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000 09:02:24 -0500

-----Original Message-----
From: Heather Malec [mailto:hmalec@xxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Sunday, November 26, 2000 11:52 AM
To: drmalec@xxxxxxxxx; Kathryn Malec; Laurel Druley; Ed Heler; David Artim;
Nancy Carr
Subject: Fwd: America's Response to the UK


--- Laura H <l_houston1999@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2000 00:17:12 -0800 (PST)
> From: Laura H <l_houston1999@xxxxxxxxx>
> Subject: America's Response to the UK
> To: Heather Malec <hmalec@xxxxxxxxx>, Mary Lunz
> <measresinc@xxxxxxx>,
>   Dan Hervey <dhervey@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
>
>
>
> Subject: America's Response to the Revocation of
> Independence
> Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 01:50:53 -0500
>
> TO: United Kingdom
> FROM: The United States of America
>
> To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great
> Britain and Northern Ireland,
>
> We welcome your concern about our electoral process.
> It must be exciting for
> you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
> distance. As always
> we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
> actually a world power. The
> sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
>
> However, we regretfully have to decline your offer
> for intervention. On the
> other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to
> enforce your new policy
> (for the 96.30f you that seem to have forgotten
> that you have little to no
> real power). After much deliberation, we have
> decided to continue our
> tradition as the longest running democratic
> republic. It seems that
> switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a
> 'backwards step' by the
> majority of the world.
>
> To help you rise from your current anachronistic
> status, we have compiled a
> series of helpful suggestions that we hope you
> adopt:
>
> 1. Realize that language is an organic structure,
> and that you aren't always
> correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use
> your 'aluminium'
> example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented
> the name 'aluminum'
> (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
> usage the name evolved
> into 'aluminium' to match the naming convention of
> other elements. In 1925
> the United States decided to switch back to the
> _original_ spelling and
> pronunciation of the word, at which point we
> dominated the aluminum
> industry. We'd also like to point out that the
> process of actually producing
> aluminum was developed by an American and a
> Frenchman (not an Englishman).
> However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford
> English Dictionary. It's an
> interesting collection, considering that over 10,000
> of the words in the
> original edition were submitted by a crazy American
> civil-war veteran called
> Dr. William Charles Minor.
>
> 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian
> accents.
>
> 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 =
> 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 =
> 2.15)
>
> 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then
> make your own movies. Don't
> rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
> 'Lock, Stock, and Two
> Smoking Barrels', 'Trainspotting', and 'The Full
> Monty'. We've also heard
> good things about this 'Billy Elliot'. But one good
> movie a year doesn't
> exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're
> doing pretty well with
> music, so keep up the good work on that front.
>
> 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that
> changes its title
> whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that
> your national anthem has
> an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to
> that Rule Brittania ditty,
> it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt
> 'Candle In The Wind' again
> for you guys.
>
> 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer?
> This just in: United
> States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000
> Summer Olympics. United
> Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
> showing at Euro 2000. You
> almost managed to get through the tournament without
> having your fans start
> an international incident.
>
> 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch
> candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar
> chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why
> the best food in your
> country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to
> the culinary arts are
> soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps
> when you finally realize
> the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach
> you how to cook.
>
> 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding
> cars. The obvious error is
> that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A
> second problem is pricing,
> it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to
> England than to buy a
> car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars
> and Aston Martins. That's
> why we bought the companies.
>
> Thank you for your time. You can now return to
> watching bad Australian soap
> operas.
>
> p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
> >
> > To the residents of the United States of America,
> >
> > In view of your abject failure to elect a
> President and thus to govern
> > yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the
> Revocation of your
> Independence,
> > effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean
> Time.
> >
> > Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> resume sovereign duties
> > forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other
> territories. Except
> > Florida, which Shall be returned to His
> Illustrious Catholic Majesty,
> King
> > Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The
> Rt Hon Tony Blair,
> for
> > the 97.850f you who have until now been unaware
> that there is a world
> > outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty
> a Governor-General
> for
> > America without the need for further elections.
> Congress and the
> Senate
> > will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> circulated next year to
> > determine whether any of you noticed.
> >
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> Dependency, the following
> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> >
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> English Dictionary.
> Then
> > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
> guide. You will be
> amazed
> > at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> Generally, you should
> > raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
> up "vocabulary".
> Using
> > he same twenty seven words interspersed with
> filler noises such as
> "like"
> > and
> > "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication.
> Look
> > up "interspersed".
> >
> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
> let Microsoft know
> on
> > your behalf.
> >
> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> Australian accents.
> It
> > really isn't that difficult.
> >
> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
> British actors as
> the
> > good guys.
> >
> > 5. You should relearn your original national
> anthem, "God Save The
> Queen",
> > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
> not want you to get
> > confused and give up half way through.
> >
> > 6. You should stop playing American "football".
> There is only one kind
> of
> > football. What you refer to as American "football"
> is not a very good
> > game.
> >
> > The 2.150f you who are aware that there is a
> world outside your
> borders
> > may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
> football. You will
> no
> > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
> play proper football.
> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the
> girls. It is a
> > difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to
> > play rugby (which is similar to American
> "football", but does not
> > involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or wearing full
> > kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together
> at least an
> > American rugby sevens side by 2005.
> >
> > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
> using nuclear weapons
> if
> > they give you any merde. The 98.850f you who
> were not aware that
> there
> > is a world outside your borders should count
> yourselves lucky. The
> Russians
> > have never been the bad guys.
> >
> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
> November 8th will be a new>
> > national holiday, but only in the British Empire.
> It will be called
> > "Indecisive Day".
> >
> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
> crap and it is for
> your
> > own good. When we show you German cars, you will
> understand what we
> mean.
> >
> > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
> driving us crazy.
> >
> > Thank you for your cooperation.
> >
> > Welcome Back.
>
>
>
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