On Thu, 11 Jan 2001, Ken Norton wrote:
> I've eaten the hottest stuff around, but this was
> definitely the hottest I've ever had. The stuff I get
> from Barbados doesn't even come close.
Some of you may enjoy this story....... mark
CHILI COOK-OFF (A story from a guy named Cameron)
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my community as a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beerwagon when the call came. I was
assured by that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they
told me I could have FREE BEER during the tasting, so I accepted this
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Hemlich maneuver. Shoved my way to
the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional
wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tatoo under her eye started to twitch. She has
arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a
fight with her.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so i could
make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back
bone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb. CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline
filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge number 3, he appears to be in bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. Good, at
autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before
it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to
conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I will just let it
in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell
them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's exsistence.
CAMERON: Momma......
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