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[OM] Way OT, but funny

Subject: [OM] Way OT, but funny
From: hiwayman@xxxxxxx (Walt Wayman)
Date: Mon, 14 May 2007 23:10:54 +0000
I know this is way off topic, but I thought it might give a few of you a 
chuckle. My son, who has custody of my 16-year-old grand-daughter, sent it to 
me.

NINE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

Rule One:*
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a 
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

*Rule Two:*
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so 
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep 
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

*Rule Three:*
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to 
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their 
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your 
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded 
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door 
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will 
not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in 
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will 
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to 
your waist.

*Rule Four:*
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it 
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

*Rule Five:*
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, 
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an 
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my 
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

*Rule Six:*
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to 
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my 
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you 
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If 
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

*Rule Seven:*
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and 
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on 
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on 
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate 
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something 
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

*Rule Eight:*
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden 
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within 
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, 
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is 
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff 
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down 
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual 
theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

*Rule Nine:*
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the 
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are 
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole 
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a wood chipper, and 
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Walt

--
"Anything more than 500 yards from 
the car just isn't photogenic." -- 
Edward Weston
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