Charlie asked why I didn't choose to live in North Carolina near my
daughter instead of Florida in a small retirement community. I responded
that there are many variables in that equation.
One of the principal reasons is that my wife and I are long used to
separation from our families. I left my parents home 50 years ago and
for all that time have lived some 2700 or 2200 miles away from them.
I've lived in New York, Virginia, Florida or Massachusetts while my
parents lived in Los Angeles or Las Vegas. My sister (until very
recently) lived in Oxnard, CA and my two brothers have lived in Dallas,
TX for at least 40 years. My son chose to remain in the Buffalo area
after he married. We're only 3-1/2 hours drive from each other now but
for most of the time since then I lived either in south Florida or
Boston. My daughter attended Auburn University in Alabama (at the time
we lived in Florida) but met and married another Auburn grad also from
south Florida. They chose to live in North Carolina because that's
where both found good jobs in the same town. They'll probably stay
there for a long time since they've just started building a new house.
But if the right opportunity arose I know that they'd both choose to go
back to Florida which is where they grew up in their high school years.
I see my children and grandchildren about 3-4 times per year. I used to
see my parents only once every couple of years but a bit more frequently
since my mother died about 12 years ago. That has changed now and this
year I'll see him twice... not only to see him but also to give my
sister some well deserved breaks to go back to California and visit her
own kids. A year ago my sister's husband died and she had no place to
go except to move in with my father. That turned out to be a blessing
for my father (and me) since not long afterward it became clear that he
was no longer capable of driving or of living alone. Two years ago I
went to visit him to help him buy a new car. On that visit I noticed
some minor memory problems when he was stressed over something.
Although he did fine during the day I also saw that he could not see
well enough to drive safely at night and convinced him to stop. Since
my sister arrived he has gone down hill at a more rapid rate. He
exhibits many more memory problems, his vision has deteriorated even
more such that he can't drive at all and my sister reports that (just as
Jeff reported) he sometimes has dreams that he can't seem to separate
from reality. At least that's where we think some of his occasionally
bizarre notions originate.
His entire social life since my mother died some 12 years ago revolves
around going to the casino every day where he plays Bingo amongst
friends which he has known for many years. Those folks are there doing
exactly the same and sit in the same seats every day. When he realized
he was beginning to deteriorate and might not be able to live alone he
told me he wanted to come and live with me. When I reminded him that
New York is cold and snowy in the winter and that we don't have a casino
full of his old friends to play Bingo with he soon changed his tune.
The fact that my sister is there now to take care of him was truly
unfortunate for her but a blessing for my father, me and my brothers. I
don't know what we would have done otherwise. My sister is now
partially dependent on my father for financial support and my brothers
are in no position to provide any financial support to either one of
them. Should he ultimately need nursing home care or anything beyond
the assisted living my sister provides it will be a traumatic event
emotionally and financially for him and everyone else.
Unlike Chris, I don't see senior living facilities as segregated living
in the sense that he seems to see it. I very much like living in that
"segregated" Florida community amongst people of my own age and
interests. A true nursing home is much different than a senior living
facility. The fact that you're in a nursing home means you're suffering
from some significant physical or mental disability and need relatively
constant care. Your mobility may be significantly impaired which is a
major deterrent to a social life. But a senior living facility with
assisted care is a much different thing since you are free to join in
the social life of the facility (which may be much more than you had at
home). My wife's aunt spent considerable time in an assisted living
facility after he husband died. She thrived there amongst many friends.
But that all changed when she eventually had to be moved to a true
nursing home when she became bed ridden. Her more mobile friends
gradually drifted away from her and ultimately we had to move her from
Washington, DC to a local NY nursing home so she would be close enough
to visit and also due to the very high cost in the Washington metro
area. She went rapidly down hill from there and seemed to lose any will
to live.
So, Jeff, I would advise choosing the senior living facility. I think
she will find friends, adapt and be just fine. But a true nursing home
is a different thing altogether. Just hope that it's ultimately not
required.
Chuck Norcutt
On 4/15/2011 1:04 PM, Jeff Keller wrote:
> I would love to hear of an alternative to age segregation ...
>
> - When my mother was recovering from a broken back in a nursing facility she
> literally went crazy: couldn't separate dreams from reality. I don't know
> how much was due to interrupted sleep and how much was due to drugs. I was
> worried that she wouldn't ever recover ... fortunately she mostly has.
> If/when she goes back into a nursing home because of another injury, I'm
> afraid she would lose her mind.
>
> - It would be extremely difficult financially to move her next to me. It is
> currently a 3 hour round trip to go help her. Basically the relative
> availability of jobs in Silicon Valley pushes up the cost of housing to
> about 4 times that of a comparable house in an otherwise comparable
> neighborhood about 60 miles and thus 1.5 hours away.
>
> - If she moves into senior housing, nursing help and food would be available
> from full-time employees.
>
> - If she moves into a single family home closer to me (perhaps 15 miles away
> would be affordable) she won't know anybody in the neighborhood and I still
> wouldn't be able to go over to her house every day. Help would have to be
> provided by a person working part-time and thus probably be someone who is
> struggling with their own problems. This seems to have far too little
> benefit versus the problems.
>
> - A small condominium near me would cost more than her single family house
> is worth but is probably the only economically achievable way of getting her
> close enough to me that I could visit her nearly every day. If she lost her
> ability to walk (like my father did) a care-giver would have to be nearby
> essentially 24 hours a day. Although a condominium would avoid age
> segregation, at some point it's possible that she would have to move again
> when she was weakest or "strangers" would have to be hired to help her.
>
> I would really appreciate any ideas how you have dealt or plan to deal with
> the frailties of age.
>
> Jeff Keller
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Chris Barker [mailto:ftog@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
> Subject: Re: [OM] Good imagery
>
> ..., but the idea of segregation for the old, voluntary or not, is
> unattractive to me.
>
> Chris
>
>
>
>
>
>
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