Last time on "As the Focus Ring Turns" our heros Vert and Toky just
completed a contest to see who was better at being a teleconverter. The
loser was to undergo a frontal lobotomy to become an extension tube. Just
as the winner was to be announced a great shaking struck the arena throwing
everybody into a huge panic. A stranger in the shadows snatched Vert and
Toky away and hustled them into the back of a waiting car.
Somewhere in a secret mountain top laboratory deep in the heart of Iowa...
...beep... ...beep... ...beep... ...beep... "Scapel Please." ...beep...
...beep... "Heart beat is 28 and dropping, Doctor!" ...beep... "We'll have
to go in before the anasthesia takes full effect. Pliars and screwdriver."
...be...ep... "Doctor, we're losing him! Blood pressure 40 over 10!"
...b-b-b-b-ee-eee--e---e----e-----e... "Flatline Doctor!" "Set the timer,
nurse, we have three minutes to bring him back. If he comes back. Spanner
"Hey Tom, this Boy Scout hike is going great. Thanks for inviting me to
come along, I've managed to take several rolls of great shots today. Oh,
by the way, what punishment do you think will be appropriate for Gary for
what he did to that woman mountain biker when he discovered what DEET does
to spandex shorts?"
..."Careful Doctor, he's slipping in and out of consciousness--Don't hurt
him." "Too late for that, nurse, he's pretty much a gonner if we don't
finish Mr. N's dirty work. I don't know why we even bother sometimes,
since he discards most of these experiments anyway." ...screeeee...
"RATS, I scratched the glass. I guess it doesn't matter anyway since it
will be discarded." "Well, Doctor, you don't expect us to be part of any
legal organ donor program, do you?" "Ever since my medical license was
revoked by the Ethopian government I haven't been able to practice legal
medical since, but Mr. N gave me a deal I couldn't refuse. Too bad this
guy didn't have a chance to walk away."
"Tom, why don't you guys go on ahead and I'll catch up with you in a little
bit. I see something that I want to try and get a picture of. It's pretty
far off, though so it's gonna require a little work to get there. If I
just had a decent teleconverter..."
"...thirty seconds, Doctor." "I'm just about finished, just need to work
this one last retaining ring out." "...fifteen seconds." "...come on,
come on, you can do it..." "ten seconds." "Oh, &#*$, were not gonna make
it!" "five seconds, four, three..." "One last turn!" "...two, one..."
"There got it! Let's get him back to life now--paddles! Clear!" *ptunk*
"Still flatline, Doctor!" "Double the power! CLEAR!" **PTunk** "Still
"Ah! Here's the spot. I'm glad I'm packing the lightweight tripod today.
This heat and humidity is killing me. Hmm. Let's see how this looks with
the 200mm lens..."
(copyright 1999 Ken Norton)
"Nothing is working Doctor, what shall we do? We've tried hitting him with
the paddles at 800 with no results." "Nurse, there is a switch on the back
of the unit with a safety cover over it. That will put the paddles into
'welder' mode." ...click, whirrrrrrrrr... "Ready, get back as far as you
can. CLEAR!" ...whirrrr ****PTUMBBBBBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbbbbbb****
"You know, even though I crawled halfway down this gully, I still can't get
close enough, well I guess I will have to use him after all."
Waking with a start, the patient looks around the room and tries to focus
on anything. The smoke is starting to clear and he can see that he is in
an operating room, but there are two smoldering bodies on the floor and
scorch markes on his chest. He is disoriented and can't remember how he
got here or where here even was. All he knew was that he needed to get out
of there and find a bottle of asparin for his killer headache. With his
ears ringing he couldn't hear the 'click-shuffle, click-shuffle' of unusual
footsteps coming down the hall...
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